Sad No More Read online

  “Ohhhh Ziggy!!! Ohhhh Stella!!!” the two turtles called out into the deep blue. And from the coral of shimmering green emerged two most interesting creatures: a slimy black electric eel and a beautiful pink translucent (kinda see through) jellyfish with long flowing pink tentacles.

  “Let me guess,” Ziggy, the electric eel said. “Todd and Friar again?”

  “You guessed it!” replied Earl.

  “Ok, let’s get to work, shall we?” said Ziggy. The slimy black eel took a giant breath and screamed, “1.21 Ziggywatts!!!” (A “watt” is a unit of power, in case you didn’t know. And watch Back to the Future … trust me!) And poof!!! He was surrounded by an electrical force field!!!

  “Careful, guys! You don’t want to touch me right now. It could be a very shocking experience! I have quite the electrifying personality! Do you want to pay for that in cash or charge?”

  “Does he always do this, with the bad jokes?” I asked.

  “I’m afraid so,” replied Earl. “I’m afraid so.”

  “C’mon, boys!!!” Stella yelled into the reef of shimmering green. And from the coral came the most beautiful and amazing sight - an army of pink! (I know, not exactly the most intimidating army, at least not on land. But in the water … oh yeah!) And what were they an army of, you ask? … Jellyfish! Little pink jellyfish! Hundreds of them!

  So Ziggy, Stella, and the pink army swam towards the two red targets floating on the surface (Toad and Froggy’s butts, in case you weren’t paying attention). It was quite the sight to see from the bottom of the pool, as rays of sunlight shone through the army of pink, like beams of light from the heavens. The two red butts dangled precariously (dangerously, but sounds smarter) above the electrically charged pool of blue. Ziggy positioned himself right under Toad’s big butt, and Stella aligned her tentacles underneath Froggy’s skinny weasel butt. And the little pink army encircled the raft.

  “On three!” Ziggy said mischievously.

  Stella confirmed, “10-4, Good Buddy!”

  The pink army giggled.

  Ziggy began the countdown with a big smirk on his face, “ONE! … TWO!! … THREEE!!!”

  “YYYEEEEEEEOWWWWWWW!!!” Ok, so picture this … Toad and Froggy flying through the air with a trail of smoke coming from their butts! But it gets better! They flew out of that pool so fast they left their bathing suits sitting on the raft.

  As I sat at the bottom of the pool, I heard a roar of laughter, and knew exactly what was going on. Toad and Froggy were getting their just desserts (what they deserve!) And speaking of desserts … it was about that time. As I snuck out of the pool in search of a delicious cannoli, I saw Toad and Froggy, butt naked (no pun intended) shivering by the diving board.

  “You might wanna put something on, fellas. Looks like rain. Don’t wanna get shocked by lightening now, do ya?”

  “You’re dead meat, Jacob!” Toad blurted out.

  “Watt? I can’t hear you. Watt? Watt?”

  And as my eyes connected with the cannoli that was calling my name (not literally, that would just be creepy), there was Mary Pat O’Donald … smiling at me. So what’s the moral of the story, you ask? Well … karma’s a bummer, which basically means … when you do bad stuff, it usually comes back and nips you in the butt!

  The Lunar Leprechauns

  The Lunar Leprechauns

  Sometimes the summer just goes by TOO DARN FAST! I mean, I hear grown-ups always sayin’, “It seems like time flies by quicker, the older you get.” Well, if that’s true, then summer should still be happening … ‘CAUSE I’M ONLY TEN!!! And another thing, why do teachers insist on making kids do oral reports!? Just the thought of it makes my palms sweat! I mean, why can’t we just hand it in and be done with it? Who wants to hear about all that stupid science stuff anyway? (Bet ya can’t say “stupid science stuff” three times really fast!)

  Whatever! So, I got on the bus, and all these kids were all excited and talking about what they were gonna do their reports on, “I’m gonna talk about global warming! I’m gonna do volcanoes! I’m gonna talk about my cat!” Your cat? Really? Your cat!? That’s a viable (not ridiculous) science topic!? Btw, you’re probably wondering how I know all these cool words. Well, let’s just say I’m pretty tight with the writer of this story (he’s a pretty cool dude).

  So I get off the bus and march in the front door. At this point, my stomach is starting to turn just thinking about getting up in front of the entire class. What if I pronounce something wrong? What if I forget what I’m talking about? What if I FART!? WHAT IF I START TALKING ABOUT MY CAT!!! I DON’T EVEN HAVE A CAT!!! All these things were going through my head, and my stress levels were going through the roof! I’m ten! I should have zero stress!!!

  “So how was school today, Jacob?” mom said, “And don’t step on the floor, it’s wet.” Don’t step on the floor!? That’s like saying don’t chew your food! Or don’t flush the toilet after you go to the bathroom!

  “Awesome, Mom. Everything is awesome. School is awesome! Science is awesome! Cats are awesome!” It took all my will power to not say, “Mr. Von Winkle is a pea-brain science nerd, and I am not doing an oral report on the geothermal effects of eating Pop Rocks on the sun!” (Sorry, it’s the first thing that came to mind, remember … I’m stressed!) So I hopped across the kitchen floor like it was riddled (scattered) with landmines, slammed (quietly shut, just being dramatic) the door behind me, threw my book bag on the floor, and plopped down on my bed.

  I gotta say, I was proud of myself for not taking it out on Mom and throwing a hissy fit. Maybe I am getting more mature (Buurrrrpppp!), maybe not. All I knew was I had to figure this out for myself. I didn’t wanna be the only one in my class shaking in his shorts. So I lay there on my bed, staring at the star stickers on my ceiling. By now I felt pretty confident with my imagination, even though I had no idea where it might take me … but I knew I had to go there, wherever it may be! (Dear imagination: please don’t take me too far away now, cause Mom will probably come knocking on my door pretty soon. Sincerely yours, Jacob.)

  So, I closed my eyes and immediately started to get sleepy. I started the countdown … T-minus THREE (by now you should automatically know this is the reader participation part!) T-minus TWO (don’t stop now!) and … T-minus HOLY MOLY!!!!!! When I opened my eyes, you wouldn’t even believe what I saw. (Come to think of it, I’m not even gonna tell you! End of story … just kidding!) Believe it or not, I saw the Earth (you know, that big blue marble we all live on) drifting further and further away, until it was nothing more than a tiny, tiny, little blue marble. And then poof! It was gone. And I was floating in the abyss (space, space, space, and more space!) of space all by myself, spinning head over heels. Everything was in slow motion. After a couple of rotations, I realized I was on a crash course headed straight towards the moon. (So much for my letter to my imagination!) I sure hope it’s made out of cheese, or this is gonna hurt!

  Well, guess what? It wasn’t made of cheese. Lucky for me, it was made of marshmallow, which is even softer than cheese. I don’t know why scientists didn’t realize this in the first place. I mean, it is white, duh! After three or four somersaults, I had officially landed on the moon. (That’s one small step for nerd, and one giant leap for nerd kind.) It was completely silent! Not a creature was stirring (sorry, wrong story!) I gotta say, the landscape was really, really cool! Kinda like a skateboard park, except you don’t need a helmet.

  I really wish I had a dirt bike right about now! I thought to myself. And from the great silence of the lunar landscape, appeared the most unusual creature.

  “I am Dork”, the strange little green creature said as he hovered above the marshmallow surface, “your wish is my command, Mr. Jacob.” And out of thin air (really thin air, no oxygen on the moon, but we’ll deal with that dilemma later) appeared a gnarly shiny green dirt bike!

  “Whoa!! Are you like a genie or something!?”

  The little green creature snorted the most peculiar laugh from his trumpet
shaped nose, “Not quite, Jacob. Let’s just say I am a dream enabler!”

  “A dream what what?”

  “I facilitate (make things happen) one’s imagination and enable one’s true potential.”

  “So if I wish for … an ice cream sundae …?”

  The strange creature giggled the weirdest of giggles, “Don’t be silly, Jacob! Only wishes that are necessary in your quest for true potential will come true. Now c’mon, Jacob, we haven’t much time!”

  So we cruised the beautiful luminous (glowing) landscape for miles and miles, me on my shiny-green dirt bike and Dork hovering beside me, jumping over crevices and chasms (things you can fall into) like we were as light as air.

  “In a way, Jacob, we are as light as air. You see, there is very little gravity on the moon. This is why I love it here so much; life is in slow motion. There is no need for the hustles and bustles you experience as earthbound dwellers. Up here we take time to smell the roses.”

  “There are roses up here?”

  “No, Jacob. Nothing grows up here. There is no oxygen to produce carbon dioxide, no water, and the temperatures are far too hot, or far too cold, especially on the dark side of the moon. Do you think you could survive if it were 224.6°F or -243.4°F!?”

  “Then how come I’m still alive? I don’t even have a space suit on? Wait … let me guess … imagination?”

  “You guessed it, Jacob! Now follow me! Time is of the essence! We must ascend the Great Mountain!”

  “The Great Mountain?”

  “Mons Huygens, the highest mountain on the moon! Forty-seven hundred meters high!!! And atop this ol’ hill live the Lunar Leprechauns! Otherwise known as the Wise Gnomes of Mons.”

  “Leprechauns? Gnomes? Why on Earth (guess I can’t use that phrase up here) do we need to get to the Lunar Leprechauns?”

  “There is something I failed to mention, Jacob. Do you see all these craters you have been jumping in and out of on your dirt bike?”

  “Umm, yes?” I replied with a perplexed (confused) grin.

  “These are impact craters, Jacob. They were all made by asteroids and comets colliding with the moon.”

  “Wow!” I exclaimed, as I scoured the vast luminous (there’s that word again) landscape.

  “Wow is right! Only now there is an asteroid the size of Texas estimated to impact the moon in …” Dork glanced down at a super high-tech looking device on his wrist, “ … I would say, given the trajectory of the gravitational pull of the moon and the velocity of the asteroid, considering all variables and probabilities, not taking into account the …”

  “HOW LONG!!!???” I yelled, completely losing my cool.

  Dork looked at Jacob and calmly said, “No need to worry, we have a good ten minutes or so.”

  “TEN MINUTES!!!!!????? TEN MINUTES!!!!!????? WHAT DO WE DO!!!??? WHAT DO WE DO!!!!!??????”

  “I’m afraid the gnomes are our only hope, Jacob. For they have infinite wisdom.”

  “THE MOON IS ABOUT TO GET HIT BY AN ASTEROID THE SIZE OF TEXAS, AND OUR FATE IS IN THE HANDS OF LEPRECHAUNS!!!???”

  “Lunar Leprechauns, Jacob.”

  “Oh, ok. I feel so much better now! As long as I know they are Lunar Leprechauns, then I guess everything’s gonna be alright. (Wait for it, boys and girls, wait for it …) WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  “No need for melodrama (overreacting, ex. screaming, “We are all going to die!” at the top of your lungs), Jacob. Now c’mon! Put on some speed, young lad!”

  So I revved my dirt bike, and Dork, well … he didn’t rev anything, he just hovers, and we raced up Mons Huygens as fast as we could. Before we knew it we were at the summit. And from behind the dark corners of the moon rocks appeared ten worldly gnomes dressed in dark cloaks, resembling those of Ewoks more so than leprechauns (excuse me, Lunar Leprechauns!)

  “Greetings, Dork. Greetings, Jacob,” the gnomes said in unison (“Unison” is not the official language of gnomes. It means “all together”) “Jacob, we need to teach you as much as possible in less than five minutes, before we all become marshmallow pie! You see, Jacob, the only thing more powerful than adversity (hard times, trouble) is wisdom. If you become as wise as we, you alone will have the power to redirect this impending (approaching) asteroid! If you are brave enough, and wise enough, to travel 238,857 miles back to Earth, and present your newly bestowed knowledge to your species, you will have altered time and space, and will have redirected the trajectory (path) of this most destructive asteroid!”

  “Oh, is that all? Not too much to ask of a TEN-YEAR OLD!” I replied, sarcastically.

  “We see what you mean with the melodrama, Dork,” the gnomes whispered.

  “I heard that!”

  “You can do this, Jacob,” the gnomes chanted in a chorus of deep mysterious voices. “You have already acquired much knowledge of our unearthly abode (home). We just need to bestow upon you a few more facts about the moon, and you should be ready for battle!”

  “Battle!? Who said anything about battle!?”

  “Jacob, did you know that the moon orbits the Earth every 27.3 days?”

  “Uhh, can’t say I did. Wait, getting back to this battle thing …”

  “Did you know that the effect of gravity on the moon is only about one fifth as strong as that of the Earth’s gravity?”

  “Well, that explains …”

  “And Jacob, did you know that Neil Armstrong was the first human to set foot on the Moon?”

  “Actually, I did know that one. I learned that in …”

  “Were you aware that the Earth’s tides are largely caused by the gravitational pull of the moon?”

  “Whoah!”

  “That a lunar eclipse occurs when the Earth is between the Sun and the Moon?”

  “Well, I did see this one show once where …”

  “And finally, Jacob, remember, there is no atmosphere or weather on the moon. This is why all the craters that you have been riding upon have remained untouched for the last 4.5 billion years.”

  “Wow! I didn’t realize there was so much to learn about the Moon!!! I can’t wait to share all this data with my species back on Earth!”

  The Lunar Leprechauns collectively looked at each other, whispered amongst themselves and proclaimed, “Jacob, we hereby dub thee, Savior of the Moon. We declare you fit for battle, and have complete faith in your wisdom and ability! Now, you must travel back to Earth! And just how far would that be, Jacob?”

  “Uhh, 238,857 miles?”

  “Impressive, little one!”

  “Now off with you, young child!” the gnomes said collectively.

  Dork chimed in, “Jacob, it has been an honor and a privilege to be your guide and mentor on this most exciting journey, but for now, we must …”

  Just then, fragments of the monstrous asteroid began to break off and impact the moon’s surface with intense force and volume. The collisions became increasingly louder! And louder!! And LOUDER!!! And amidst the chaos and roar of the fiery fragments slamming into the moon’s surface, Jacob heard a distant voice cry out … “JACOB, WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T TELL THEM THE MOON IS MADE OF MARSHMALLOW!!! THAT PART ISN’T EXACTLY TRUE!!!” The collisions were getting more intense now … KNOCK! … KNOCK!! … KNOCK!!! … KNOCK!!!! And then, Ladies and Gentlemen, the door opened. And it was Mom.

  “Jacob, I don’t know what’s going on in here, but you are snoring up quite a storm.”

  “Mom, guess what!? Guess what!!!?”

  “What is it, honey?”

  “The Moon is NOT made of marshmallow!!!”

  “I’m aware of that, Jacob.”

  “I learned so much from my trip to the moon that I want to tell you, but it will have to wait till later, cause I have to write it down before I forget. The fate of the Moon depends on it!!!”

  “I’m not exactly sure what you are talking about, Jacob. Are you still half asleep?”

  “No, Mom. I have to do an oral report in front of the whole class, and I w
as sooooo nervous, so I took a trip to the Moon. I had to learn all that I could, so I can bestow my knowledge to the others of my species, and change the trajectory of a massive asteroid that is headed straight for the Moon! Did you know that the only thing more powerful than adversity is wisdom, Mom?”

  “I did not know that, Jacob. But I am so proud of you! I used to be terrified of standing up in front of the class too!”

  “Terrified? Who said anything about being terrified? You Earth dwellers are so melodramatic!!!”

  UNTIL NEXT TIME …

  Well, hello again, kids! You see, I told you I was going to ride along with you on this journey through your imagination. I really hope you had fun and learned a little something along the way. I hope that Jacob’s journeys brought a smile to your face and helped you realize just how powerful your imagination can be. I know it’s not easy being a kid. Believe it or not, I used to be one!

  So listen … are you listening? If you liked this book, I mean, really liked this book, I need your help! I am sending you on a quest! You must seek and find your mom or dad in the enchanted forest (your house) and nicely ask him or her to leave a kind review. The fate of this book depends on it!!! Or you know what!? Maybe even YOU could write a review with your mom or dad! How cool would that be!? You could be a huge part of the creative process, and at the same time spend precious time with your super cool parents!

  I have so many more adventures in store for Jacob, but it all depends on your kind reviews, and how much kids, like yourself, wanna make Sad No More into a series. Hey! That actually sounds pretty cool! The Sad No More Series! What next? A movie!? Now that I could see! So please spread the word to all your friends, and help kids around the world to be Sad No More! UNTIL NEXT TIME, my little creative fledglings (little ones) … NEVER STOP IMAGINING!!!