Sad No More Read online

  “That was nothing!” exclaimed Red. “Mere target practice! It’s time for Operation Hot Cross Buns!!!” So he flew out in front of the squadron, positioned his butt over the target, and launched the biggest, gnarliest, grossest hot cross bun you could imagine (remember, vultures eat anything). The liquefied meteorite pummeled to Earth at breakneck speed, oozing and dripping on its decent. And just as Bobby’s two minions looked up to see where danish #1 came from …SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! Both of the boys where covered, head to toe, in the smelliest, nastiest, hot cross bun ever known to man. Laughter filled the playground, and the three boys walked away in shame, gagging with each wobbly step, as they wiped the ooze from their eyes.

  Jacob thanked the wise old hawk and the goofy buzzard and skillfully descended back to the playground. With great precision, he landed back on the swing as it reached its pinnacle (peak, top, upswing … ahh, now you’re learning). As the swing came to a halt, he stood up and sashayed (walked with swag) over to the three humiliated, dripping, smelly boys, “Thanks for the invite, fellas, but kickball is not really my cup of tea. However, you boys look as though you could use a cup of tea to go along with your danish and hot cross bun!” And Jacob laughed all the way back to class.

  Bubbles & Breakers

  Bubbles & Breakers

  So Mom said, if we did good (well) on all our tests, we could go to Bubbles and Breakers on the first weekend of summer vacation. What’s Bubbles and Breakers, you ask? Only the coolest waterpark ever! So guess what?! With a little extra studying, and the grace of God, it was the first weekend of summer, and we were on our way to the coolest waterpark ever! Yes, even Rory (insert sad face here). But don’t worry, there was no way I was gonna fight with her in the back seat and risk a trip to Bubbles and Breakers, no matter what she did. Of course, she tried her best to annoy me, but before I knew it, I saw the tops of the slides peaking out from behind the trees in the distance. And slowly but surely, the almighty sign emerged, BUBBLES AND BREAKERS!

  I jumped out the car first. I was so excited I almost peed myself! (But no biggie, I was wearing a bathing suit.) The park looked like a never-ending multi-colored sea monster, with endless curves, humps, and loops, as far as the eye could see. Rory got out next. Mom and Dad took their sweet time, doing whatever parents do when you first get someplace good. I hope I never get old and complicated! And that’s when me and Rory (Rory and I! C’mon!) saw “IT”, shimmering in the middle of the park. It looked like the Eiffel Tower, except it had the word “GERONIMO” written on it in bright red letters.

  “Whoa!” Rory whispered, under her breath in awe.

  “Yeah, Whoa is right! That looks pretty high,” I said with a hint of hesitation.

  Rory yelled into the car to Mom and Dad, “C’mon! C’mon! We gotta go on Geronimo! Geronimo!” It did look awesome, but I’ll admit I was a little bit afraid (maybe a little bit more than a little bit). But you know what? I wasn’t gonna let Geronimo get the best of me.

  Mom and Dad FINALLY got out of the car, and we began our journey into the center of the park (Journey into the Center of the Park, now playing at a theater near you!) With each step, the towering attraction seemed to get taller and taller, and (gulp) steeper and steeper. And suddenly, we were there! As I stood and looked up towards the sky, my knees began to uncontrollably shake.

  “Have fun, kids,” Mom said obliviously (not realizing I was about to wet myself!) “We’ll meet you at the bottom. Don’t forget to hold your nose, Jacob.”

  Rory couldn’t wait to go up the stairs, “What’s the matter, Jacob? Your not scaaaarreed, are you? Your not gonna let a girl beat you up the slide, are you?”

  “Nooooo,” I said, stretching out my vowels to give me time to think. “My stomach hurts, that’s all. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those two jelly donuts before we left.“

  “Whatever, chicken. Wouldn’t want you to get your feathers wet.”

  I watched her join the line and slowly ascend the stairs to what was probably the coolest ride in the universe. And all I could do was stand under a tree, and pout. All the kids were getting on, even kids younger than me. Even girls younger than me! What the heck was wrong with me!!!?

  Something tells me it’s time for you know what! So I gave Geronimo, and all the other towering rides in the park, one last look. As I closed my eyes, all the screams and laughter faded to a soft droning melody that blended peacefully with the frolicking birds in the tree above my head. I gathered up all of my frustration, and concentrated as hard as I could!

  (By this point, you must know that it is your duty, as a reader, to count with me!) And so I counted, “ONE! … TWO!! … THREEEEE!!!” And … nothing! There was Rory giving me the moose ears. “Focus, Jacob. Focus,” I whispered under my breath. And so I counted once again, “ONE! … TWO!! … THREEEE!!!!!” And again, more moose ears. “C’mon Jacob, you got this! Must not let Sis’ win!” I focused with all my might, and counted down one last time … “ONE! … TWO!! … THREEEEEEEE!!!!!” And when I opened my eyes, I thought it didn’t work because I still saw endless curves, humps, and loops from above the trees, except these curves, humps, and loops were moving! That’s right, the humps and loops were actually foraging (“eating”, in case you’re not up on your wildlife lingo) atop the towering trees. I believe they were brontosauruses, or perhaps, diplodocuses. Or maybe even brachiosaurs (see Jurassic Park for further details, if your mom lets you). Either way, they were herbivores (dinosaurs that don’t eat people! Once again, see JP for details), so I knew I was safe … at least for the moment.

  “Jacob, take my hand, quickly!”

  “Who are you!?” I said to the little boy who appeared out of nowhere in the animal skin loin cloth.

  “I am Luca, now come quickly, you are not safe here.”

  “But these are herbivores. They are not interested in us.”

  “It is not them that I am concerned with,” he said as he stared into the distance, “IT IS THEM!!!” Luca quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me through a funnel tunnel (a tunnel that eventually becomes a small hole that is just big enough to crawl through). He pulled me through just in a nick of time! I could see the claws digging furiously at the opening, as the dust consumed the entrance to the cave.

  “Wha … wha … what were …?”

  “Raptors!!!” he said, before I could even finish my sentence. “They are like wolves … pack hunters … only much bigger and deadlier.”

  “How … how many are there? Are we safe in here!?”

  “Hard to say. Not for long. They have been clawing at that hole for a while now. It won’t be long before it’s wide enough for them to break through. We need to sneak out the back.”

  “The back?”

  “No time for small talk, Jacob. Follow me!” Luca took my hand and led me through the labyrinth of darkness. I could hear drops of water trickle from the stalagmites (those icicles of stone that hang from caves), high above our heads, as the bats squealed with surprise.

  “Over there! Follow the sunlight!” We climbed up two large boulders that opened to a small hole in the ceiling of the cave.

  “C’mon, Jacob! Quickly, before they catch our scent!” Luca peeked his head out first. He took my hand and pulled me through the hole; the hole that let out into the forest.

  “Gulp!” I thought to myself. “Maybe we should have stayed in the cave?”

  “They are likely in the cave by now,” he said calmly. “I know this forest like the back of my hand, so don’t go wandering off or anything.”

  “Well, I was planning on going for a nice little stroll by myself, just to get acquainted with my lovely new surroundings, but since you mention it … ARE YOU CRAZY!? How on Earth did you survive out here so long!?”

  “Well, that’s the thing, Jacob. We are not on Earth at the moment. We are in your imagination. But now that you mention it, I end up here quite a bit. For some reason, kids your age love dinosaurs. So I know my way around these parts pretty wel
l. It’s kinda like the ocean, it’s beautiful, but you must respect it, or it can be very dangerous, even deadly.”

  And just then Luca slapped my hand as I began to reach for a most curious looking giant elephant ear leaf, “That is not the elephant ear you are accustomed to in your world, Jacob. That is a Norwegian Noose, one of the island’s deadliest man-eating plants. It wraps you up in its vines and giant leaves after it lures you with its sweet nectar. It then proceeds to digest you, quicker than you can say “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.””

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind, just be careful! There are dangers all around us here – on the ground, in the water, in the air, you name it. Just be careful.”

  So we walked for many miles. The sun felt warm on my face as it shined through the tops of the sheltering trees. Suddenly we reached a clearing, a large open field of shallow reeds that stretched a football field before connecting back to the dense forest, likely created by a brontosaurus stampede.

  “Quickly, Jacob! We mustn’t waste any time. Run as fast as you can, we don’t want to be exposed for too long. There are many creatures among us with eyesight greater than that of an eagle. Now … RUN!!!!!”

  And so I ran. I ran as fast as I could. The sweat poured in my eyes as the sun baked down on the back of my neck. As we approached the center of the field, the sun mysteriously stopped shining. I felt a cool breeze, an almost comforting breeze. Before I even knew what happened, I was soaring above the trees, way above the trees! I was in the talons of a Pterodactyl!!! (A huge prehistoric bird with a super long beak for plucking things out of the water) I could see Luca yelling from the ground, as he became smaller and smaller, “Be brave, Jacob! Be brave! Do not give into your fear!!!”

  All I could see was blonde hair in my eyes, with every flap of its massive fifteen-foot wings. And then the flapping stopped. I cleared the hair from eyes, looked down, and all I saw was water – a glimmering river of rapids running from one of the highest waterfalls I had ever seen. And then I heard the chirping! That’s right, chirping! It was getting louder and louder. (What was it, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you.) I could see it in the distance, a faint circle of bouncing little heads and beaks (except the little heads were bigger than mine!) “Gulp! It’s a nest!” (And I was on the menu!)

  I knew right then and there, I had to make a choice – be the “Special of the Day” or plummet into the roaring rapids below. Luckily, I remembered my trusty fidget spinner in my back pocket. I pulled it out and began to tickle the underside of the huge talon around my waist.

  “Stop that right now, Jacob! That tickles!!!” the giant bird demanded in a deep majestic voice.

  “How do you know my name? Oh right, never mind. I know. You know Brown Bear, Marty, Red, and Hawkeye, right? And this is my imagination, where anything is possible, right?”

  “That is correct, Jacob. But now you are in my world. And I am King of the Sky! The giant bird let out a commanding squawk, “I am Shamus, King of the Sky, and you are on the menu – the kid’s menu! And you will make a tasty morsel for my little chickadees.”

  “Gulp!” I knew it was now or never. I wasn’t about to become a “happy meal”. I spun my trusty fidget with all my might, and gently pressed it against his little piggy (I mean talon). “Take that, Big Bird! You big ol’ pigeon!” To my surprise, Shamus chuckled like a goofy old buzzard, and opened his big ol’ talons. I dropped like a stone towards the thundering whitewater below. Just as I was about to splash-land into the rolling river, a flock of pelicans flew beneath me. I bounced off their backs like a feathery bouncy-house, and splashed into the ice-cold water of the raging river. Shamus flew overhead, scouring the water for “Le Plat du Jour” (French for “Special of the Day” - that would be me!) Lucky for me, the rapids were fast enough and strong enough to cover me up and carry me to a wading pool that branched off from the river, inhabited by a few harmless looking herbivores and sheltering pine trees. And there was Luca, waiting for me by the water’s edge.

  “I knew you’d end up here, Jacob. All the kids who don’t give into their fear end up here.”

  “What about the kids that do give into their fear?”

  “Well, let’s just say they are on the kid’s menu! (Cue the evil laugh) No, not really! Remember, this is …”

  “I know, my imagination. If it’s only my imagination, how come I almost wet my pants!!?”

  “Indeed, Jacob, the imagination feels very real. That’s what makes it so amazing! However, the unfortunate kids who do not fight their fears miss out on all the good things in life. This lesson will even apply as you get older, Jacob. You’ll see! Now, get out of here before the bouncing beetles catch our scent!”

  “Bouncing beetles!?”

  “Wait … you hear that? (You guessed it, here a boing, there a boing, everywhere a boing boing!) Run, Jacob!!! Run!!!”

  And just like that, I awoke to the sound of a little girl with blonde ponytails and a missing front tooth, bouncing her inner tube on her way to the ladder of FROGS AWAY, the water slide next to ours, “No chickens allowed in the park!” she yelled, as her syllables whistled through her missing tooth.

  “Oh yeah, and no … one-toothed … whistling … freckle-faced … girly … girls allowed!” (What do you want? It’s the best I could do. I just woke up!) So I ran up the stairs and joined the line, with fire in my eyes, and courage in my heart, and slayed the mighty Geronimo like a fearless swashbuckler! (And then, Ladies and Gentlemen … I got a wedgie!)

  Pool Party!!!

  Pool Party!!!

  Today was the day we all go to Aunt Brenda’s pool party. She holds it every year on the Fourth of July weekend. It’s an awesome pool: diving board, slide, basketball, even rafts and inner tubes. The only thing it didn’t have was a fishing net to keep Todd (Toad) and Friar (Froggy), Brenda’s two spoiled-rotten boys, out of the pool.

  This one time, Toad walked up to Mr. Elroy, our third-grade teacher (Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, they are both in my class. Lucky me!), and called him a fart smeller, right to his face. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean to call him a smart fella! And Froggy, well he is just always up to no good. He was invited to Rory’s birthday party once (I repeat, ONCE!!!), and proceeded to plop his face smack in the middle of the birthday cake. For what reason? I have no idea!

  So there I was, standing in line for the diving board on this sunny, hot summer day. I could hear Toad and Froggy whispering something behind me, but was too busy staring at my life long crush, Mary Pat O’Donald, as she stood in the shallow end like a mythical goddess. (Thank God Rory didn’t know about her!)

  My turn was up. I stepped upon the shimmering board as it shook from Timmy Conner’s perfectly executed cannonball. When it finally stopped bouncing, I cautiously walked to the edge. I put my arms at my side, took a deep breath, and took three big bounces on the edge of the board … One! (C'mon, Jacob! Perfect form! You gotta impress Mary Pat!) Two! (Toes together, body straight, hands cupped above your head. Looking good! Looking good!) And three!!! And down went my shorts!!! Needless to say, my perfect Olympic dive came to a screeching halt.

  There I stood, on the edge of the diving board, turning bright red. A collective gasp echoed throughout the backyard, and then there was silence. All I could think to do was jump in the pool. So that’s what I did. The last thing I saw was Mary Pat O’Donald chuckling, along with the rest of her friends.

  When my head finally surfaced, I looked back, and there was Toad and Froggy, waving my bathing suit on top of the pool skimmer like a victory flag. I was beyond embarrassed, and completely humiliated. Once the commotion finally died down (which felt like forever), I swam over to the corner of the shallow end, opposite Mary Pat and her cackling friends. Toad proceeded to fling my bathing suit, like a slingshot, across the pool and onto my head. I wanted to hide under my suit for the rest of the day. But instead, I sulked and stewed in my corner of the pool for the next half hour.

  And then I saw it! The one
magical device that would help me escape from everything and everybody … the enchanted scuba mask and snorkel! I reached out to the auspicious (totally lucky) treasure and placed it gently on my face. I slowly submerged and counted to three, anticipating my new adventure … Blub! … (nothing but bubbles) Blub!! … (more bubbles!) I concentrated with all my might … and THREE!!! (I mean, BLUB!!!)

  When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t believe what I saw! The most beautiful underwater paradise you could imagine! Schools of fish, made up of every color of the rainbow, frolicked in a coral reef of shimmering green. A graceful black manta ray flew overhead, accompanied by hundreds of silver seahorses, and rays of sunshine danced upon the backs of two lazy sea turtles as they swam towards me.

  “What brings you down here?” asked one of the turtles.

  “Toad and Froggy pulled my bathing suit down in front of everyone,” I said glumly (sadly).

  “Toad and Froggy, you say?” replied the older and wiser looking turtle. I pointed to the raft floating up above, and the two butts in red bathing suits that were hanging off it.

  “Oh yes,” the wise turtle replied. “We know them well. Too well! Just never heard them referred to as Toad and Froggy before. Quite clever actually! They come in here all the time. By the way, I am Earl, and this is Oliver. It’s nice to meet you, Jacob.”

  “Hmmm … seems like EVERYBODY knows my name lately.”

  “Yes, Jacob. Marty, the wise old oak, the giant hawk, and the goofy buzzard all spoke of you.”

  “They did? But how? You are underwater!”

  “That doesn’t matter, Jacob,” chuckled Oliver. “We are all in your imagination. Now, enough with the small talk … what to do? What to do?”

  Earl looked over at Oliver and said, “I think I may know a friend or two that can help us out, if you know what I mean.” The two turtles turned to each other and burst out laughing. A plume of bubbles ascended towards the top of the pool, breaking the surface like a good ol’ bathtub fart!